SAHM Fail – Part I
Well, it turns out being a stay at home mom (abbreviated as “SAHM” for social media) isn’t as glamorous and easy as the bloggers portray on Insta. They do Mommin’ flawlessly, and I just can’t quite get there. Maybe their kids are older, maybe they don’t need as much sleep, maybe they have more energy…or maybe I am just a big fat failure at pretty much everything I do (ding ding ding!).
I could probably get a lot done if I didn’t watch 2 hours of Good Morning America and drink 2 coffees in my pajamas every day. Then I have to watch Live with Kelly & Ryan to see what Kelly Ripa is wearing- and so I can admire how damn skinny she is.
I had visions of what this life would be, or more like what I would look like doing it. I didn’t want to be a mess, as that is the typical stereotype of SAHMs – ya know, “they let themselves go”. I never thought it would be an easy job, but I figured I could concoct adorably effortless outfits and it would just look SO comfortable yet stylish. I could finally abandon business casual attire and wear whatever I want! FREEDOM! Jeans and a tee would now make me VERY “Kate Hudson” instead of very “Lena Dunham” (no offense Lena, I love “Girls”). “I am a stay at home mom- I am CUTE and STYLISH!” (GOALS, honestly).
My summer wardrobe would have to consist of jean shorts (obv) and a loose, boho-esque top. Comfy but still put together. My hair would have to be effortlessly wavy (+1, I actually can usually achieve this) and the blondest of the blonde (+1 more, my stylist is a saint but I want it blonder). Only minimal makeup would be needed for my tan face (I will obviously hang out with the baby by the pool all day!) and my perfect complexion (I also will get weekly facials).
“I could totally pull off Converse sneakers” I repeatedly lie to myself (they have never, ever looked cute on me). “Cut off jean shorts would look ok with my tree-trunk legs!” (they don’t). “No one will be able to tell I’m not wearing makeup!” (I’m sure they could, I looked dead.)
My winter wardrobe would be full of comfy sweaters and cardigans with cute jeans and boots- TONS OF BOOTS! “Who needs yoga pants when you can have jeans and a sweater!”
It turns out I need yoga pants (like 10 pairs). And Uggs- freaking GOD BLESS UGGS. I love yoga pants and Uggs and don’t know why anyone would want to wear jeans and boots while taking care of a one year old all day. Whoever says Uggs are ugly are clearly not from the Northeast and I also heard they hate puppies and kittens. They. Are. Wicked.
Despite my lack of being cute, I try to remind myself it’s not like I’m not doing anything. I suck at keeping the house clean but I’m still in school, taking 16 credits this semester and chasing after a one year old little boy. So all that may be why I’m such a loser. But still…the “Insta Moms” could handle that and everything else while wearing Gucci loafers and a perfectly messy bun (not authentically messy might I add- you should really see mine today).
BURNING QUESTION: How do they afford so many designer items? Do they have secret credit cards their husbands don’t know about? (asking for…a friend….)
My husband would not understand the need for $1980 loafers.
I tell myself every night I can set my alarm for 6 am, wake up before the baby, and do my hair and makeup. “I have tons of clothes I never wear, I can put together a good outfit!” I lie to myself. Do I even KNOW how much better of a day I will have with a full face of makeup and perfect hair? I can take selfies with Baby V all day and we will be a picture-perfect duo.
I’m sooo tired. I will definitely start Monday. Maybe not next, but a Monday coming up. Soon. Definitely soon, I promise.
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