I Lost My Baby.
I’m not even sure when it happened, but somewhere along the last 12 months I lost my little baby.
I’m kind of in mourning, because I suddenly feel my life flashing before my eyes. It’s like I’m 34 going on 97. It doesn’t seem like more than a few days ago I was in labor forever with my V. After multiple hours of awful back labor, I enjoyed blissfully sleeping in an epidural-induced slumber – right through the Menendez brothers tv special MIGHT I ADD (still upset). This was probably the last great sleep…kind of like the last supper before parenthood. Before I knew it he was here (10,000 pushes later) and life really truly began for me.
DISCLAIMER: I am an utter cliché and a disaster to feminism and women’s rights- I am a Mom and I don’t care if I’m anything ever again to anyone else as long as I’m always Vince’s mama. And I also love makeup and clothes. Whatever.
I’ve been blessed beyond belief to spend all my days with my baby boy. I don’t feel like I’ve missed a thing but suddenly it’s all beyond my grasp and only distant memories. He’s only been walking for a month yet it feels like he’s been running miles. I find myself missing nighttime feedings when we would cuddle and watch early (very early) morning news. Now he sleeps all night (most nights) and doesn’t need mama to fall asleep. No more cuddling with mama all day, Vin has important things to find and tasks to complete (such as emptying my Shih Tzu Gus’ water dish all over the kitchen floor and splashing in it…rookie parent mistake).
The baby swing is missing from the living room now. No more huge smiles at the puppy mobile every morning. There’s no pack and play that I desperately tried to make happen (it wasn’t happening). The whale bath tub is gone- this baby prefers showers now! There’s no more bouncer, no walker, no baby gym. The rock and play has long been packed away (god bless the rock and play though, seriously). All the quintessential baby gear has been replaced by big boy toys, trucks, a rocking giraffe, a food truck, and a cozy cottage waiting to be set up outside in the Spring. I’m even at that mom stage where the Kate Spade diaper bag just sits in the car unused for the most part, no longer fully stocked for the emergencies that rarely happen.
While I may be losing my baby, I am gaining quite the toddler so far. A bright-eyed little man who loves drinking water from my yeti cup (pshhh, sippy cups are SO passé), riding his tricycle through Target (his favorite Christmas gift, you need one tricycle), feeding the dogs all his food (and crawling all over them, because they are 100+lbs), brushing his teeth (SERIOUSLY, he’s obsessed), balloons, and going to gymnastics. He says mama/mommy, dada, hello, and as of today “Jack” (Aunt JoJo’s son).
I may have lost my snuggly little angel baby that I could hold all day and cuddle with..and a baby who needed me 24/7…but I gained an amazing little boy. A boy with a silly disposition, a GREAT laugh and smile, and beautiful hazel eyes. He’s strong willed and stubborn like his Mom and Dad but is quick to smile just like us.
I am a little late with celebrating (he turned 1 on January 6th) but happiest first birthday to my baby boy Vince…you are my sun, my moon, and all the stars in my sky. I love you.
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